I was watching a movie called “Fall Out”. It is based on as true story of a successful gymnast whose life comes to a grinding halt after a terrible accident. As she struggles, through her recovery, her friend’s lives proceed unhindered and it seems like “friends” have taken her life. At one point, she just broke down and said, “I want my life back”.
I KNOW THAT FEELING
Granted in my case, it has been my own (informed) decisions (in opposition to wise advice) that lead me to the point of being lost. I am currently so lost, if life were a horse, I would not know the front end from the back … forget about getting back on it.
Pin pointing the decision that lead to this spot is futile. The problem with wanting my life back is that I am not the same person who lost it 6 years ago. I made those decisions because of who I was then and I now regret those decisions because of who I am now. Now, I am LOST. Lost bewildered and I want my life back.
I think fear is what led me to this spot in existence. Fear of antagonizing superiors or elders and that they might stop me from getting what I want. So I did the most ‘intelligent’ thing I knew how to do, I dropped out.
- When I felt I was failing at my job, I quit
- When I felt I was not giving my all at certain church responsibilities, I quit ( I still haven’t told them I quit)
- When I felt I was not being a good Christian, I stopped going to church
- When I felt I was not being a good friend I stopped talking to people.
- When I felt I was not being a good wife, I nearly left my husband.
So, fear is what is still keeping me here. I felt GOD’s intervention, reminding me to make decisions with my head and not my emotions (fear).
The other day, in the midst of the turmoil of thinking I was a bad wife (not accepting it and making excuses), my Hub, might I re-iterate, My best friend; was sharing the plight of another couple and as we spoke about things that cause couples to drift apart, he reminded me that we take vows. Marriage is not all about love. It is about those vows of commitment to stay with each other even when you are soo mad and frustrated with the other or yourself that you cannot feel the love anymore. These vows get you thru the bad times. I realized I had been here before. I need to adhere to those vows. Because when the mess is cleaned up, I know that love wells up again.
Maybe it is time to stop wishing for a do over or for my life back but rather … Its time to get a life. To dive in, clean the mess and hope that I can move forward and not drown. Whatever the case, after 6 years, I am more than ready to try, because I can honestly say life is just not happening as a spectator sport.